A GIF by GIF Guide to The Bachelorette: Episode 5

We start Part 1 of this week’s two-part (!!) Bachelorette extravaganza in the eye of the Kenny vs. Lee storm and TBH we can’t decide who we’re more frustrated with—Lee for being, as Kenny calls him, a “disingenuous snake” (which is v. v. true) or Kenny for actually letting Lee get to him (come on, Kenny, you’re better than that!). Lee is actually so smart in like an evil/twisted maniac kind of way, he knows exactly what buttons to press and he’s going to press them until Kenny snaps and ultimately leads himself to his own demise. Anyways, back to the episode: Kenny and Lee argue on the balcony for a few minutes, or as Will lnotes, out they point aggressively at each other (and you know shizz is about to go down when people start pointing aggressively) and the evening ends with Lee saying “I’m totally in his head,” which he totally is. Oh, and Bryan gets the Group Date Rose.

Moving on to Jack Stone’s 1-on-1 (and we apologize in advance for all the awkward you’re about to feel). Jack and Rachel start the day off with a carriage ride through Hilton Head and Rachel’s sitting a good foot away from Jack, so you can totally tell she’s not into it. Then they arrive at a ‘Shuck and Shag’ festival (why is this a thing?) where they shuck some oysters and do some real awkward dancing.

Once we think this date can’t get anymore uncomfortable to watch—we can only handle so much secondhand embarrassment—Jack tries to kiss Rachel.

Jack Stone: “Couldn’t you tell that I kept staring at you in there?”

Rachel: “That’s why you were messing up the dance moves.”

Jack Stone: “I just think you’re really pretty.”

Rachel: “Thank you”

Jack Stone: *Leans in to kiss Rachel*

Rachel: *Cough cough* “I’m  contagious, I don’t want to get you sick.”

OUCH. Rachel pulled the ol’ “I’m contagious I don’t want to get you sick” bit (even though she never mentioned that she was sick before, good one Rach). But for reasons that we cannot explain, Jack still thought that millisecond peck on the lips he gave Rachel was like the best thing ever.

Moving on to the evening portion of Rachel and Jack’s 1-on-1 and, spoiler, it’s eve *more* uncomfortable than the day portion. Jack starts the convo off by saying he feels like he “gets” Rachel’s dad (to which Rachel reasonably responds, “You don’t even know him”) and then slides right into Creepy Town when he tells Rachel he wants to take her to Dallas and lock her in a room. In her ITM, Rachel’s all, “that doesn’t sound great to me.” Did anyone else notice how terrified Rachel looked in her ITMs during this entire date? Girl looked like she was making a confessional in a horror movie.

Anyway, for reasons we finally CAN explain, Jack did *not* get the Date Rose and ended up going home instead. So, to bid adieu to Jack, here’s a montage of his creepy stares.

And now it’s (finally) time for Rose Ceremony. After her date with Jack, Rachel decides to save herself from more awkward moments by skipping the cocktail party and heading straight into Rose Ceremony. Iggy and Jonathan end up getting sent home (meaning both Kenny and Lee got roses).

Iggy’s like balling his eyes out in his ITM but dude that’s what you get for being the centre of all the house drama. And Jonathan leaves our lives in the same way he entered them: tickling Rachel. Ugh.

And the next stop on the Bachelor World Tour: Oslo! The guys arrive in Norway and Rachel drops in to pick up Bryan for their 1-on-1.

They get to some famous Olympic ski hill, which they’re supposed to RAPPEL down. Um, NOPE. We wouldn’t do that even if Peter was beside us the whole time with his shirt off. All we can hear is grunting, moaning and kissing and honestly we can’t tell if they’re rappelling down a ski hill or actually doing it. The soundtrack to this date makes us want to throw up.

Side note: Rachel did the entire thing in heel booties. So basically, she is our Queen.

Moving on to the evening portion of the date: Everything goes great, they obviously have major chemistry and Bryan tells Rachel he’s falling for her. But honestly, every time Bryan talks we can’t help but zone out and start thinking about Peter or Dean. Don’t get us wrong, he’s a nice guy but he’s just *too* much of a sweet talker and every time he gets mushy with Rachel (which is like, alllll the time) we find our faces looking like this:

While Bryan sucks the life out of Rachel’s face is busy making out with Rachel, Lee and Kenny figure out they’re going on a 2-on-1. Then Kenny cries to his daughter on FaceTime and literally melts our hearts.

Time for the Group Date! The guys learn to play Norway-style handball and then get into these teeny spandex uniforms (which we defs didn’t hate) and play a game of ‘lets see who can get the most attention from Rachel.’

Side note: The way Peter looks at Rachel makes us swooooon.

Fast-forward to the evening portion of the Group Date, or as Rachel calls it: The After Party. All of the 1-on-1 conversations go suuuper well, minus Josiah who doesn’t know how to talk to a woman to save his life (even though he thinks he’s so smooth), and relationships are clearly developing. And then, enter Peter: He takes Rachel out on the balcony and starts kissing her/giving us allllll the feels and when he tells her he doesn’t want to stop kissing her, Rachel just goes for it and is like, “Want to continue it in the hot tub?” GET IT GIRL.

They strip into their bathing suits (which they just conveniently had with them?) and spend an intimate THREE AND A HALF HOURS together in the hot tub. Like how do they even explain that to the rest of the guys?

After Peter and Rachel get back from their hot tub party, Peter obviously expects to get the Group Date Rose (which is pretty valid seeing as he probs just pulled his best moves on Rachel and is currently suffering painfully wrinkly hands from being in a hot tub for over three hours) but alas, Peter does *not* get the rose and instead Will steals it right out of Peter’s prune-y hands.

And now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Lee and Kenny’s 2-on-1!!!

First at bat: Kenny. He clears up the Lee issue with Rachel, totally redeeming himself, and Rachel leaves the conversation feeling that she can trust him. UNTIL she gets her 1-on-1 chat with Lee, that is. Lee starts filling Rachel’s head with *so* many lies—like that Kenny aggressively pulled him out of a van and potentially has a drinking problem that bring out his dark side. So of course, after hearing this Rachel talks with Kenny again and tells him everything Lee said about him.

The episode ends with Kenny laughing like a crazy person and looking like he’s actually going to SNAP on Lee. And we’ll just be here all day waiting for tonight’s continuation.